Just sick.

I went in today for a job interview. I have a cold so I'm already feeling like shit. I spent 45 minutes putting on make-up and clothes trying to look like i am really okay. A 45 minute drive later, and getting cut off six times, i made it there. I went in and waited. A guy came up, middle aged and looking laid back. He walked up to me, along with the guy i saw and talked to yesterday. I asked for an application dealing with what i had talked to someone yesterday about. He said sucks because we aren't hiring. In front of customer's, and employees. I was excited because finally i had one thing going good, and i walked out of there without any respect. A human being should not be able to be so damn cold to a young girl. To all the older men in there, to just watch me get made fun of and be told i wasn't qualified anyways. WHAT THE..?! Stupid jerk off. I drove home and called my mom crying my eyes out, there's no way i could just stopped crying. I now had no job. I have no vehicle. I have court soon. And i am so scared. I have to know that in about two weeks i get to walk into a room with him and face him with my dignity and respect. In two weeks where am i supposed to find dignity in just two weeks? It makes me re-think my whole lifestyle- every picture i have sent, every ounce I've ever smoked, and every person i have talked to since it has happened. I go to bed every night so scared about what he might bring up or what he might say. He lies to everyone about everything. If i were to take a drug test right now, would i pass? no. by Feb. 8th? maybe. What if i do not win in court? What if they believe his lies and not my tragedy? What if... he gets freedom to talk to me and stalk me? we can't afford to move. I can't afford to pay rent somewhere, i don't want to. I want to live in my house, where i have lived my whole life, they can't make him move. Hell they might not even be able to make him stay walking distance away from me. No one understands what it's like to be scared to just be you. Scared to have your own name because it's tagged with dirt. It's got snitch and bitch written all over it. One person hears your name and instantly they think they know you. But they have absolutely no freaking clue who you are or why you have been through. I know i have my set of disappointments in life, to my friends and family; but i am trying. I am trying so damn hard to be someone that i want to be, but am not? i don't know. This person is me, but it's not a long term me. I always seem to fall off the wagon 3 months or 2 weeks, doesn't matter it's going to happen. I get pulled back into everything. Why? It's not the fact i like the people or the recreations, i just.. get hooked i guess. On what? nothing. I guess i just get bored with this life. Ya know how ashamed i feel to say that? That i don't like what god has provided me with. I love him with my whole heart and existence. But why do i still feel the need to totally rip on everything that's going on. Anyway back to the whole.... 'him' thing. It's so scary to go to bed at night. Because of all the things that will dance in front of my eyes as soon as they shut. Every night when i pray to god i ask why i couldn't scream or hit back. Or why the hell he is walking free. God works in mysterious ways- and yet here we are. He may not get what he deserves now but he will.. that's what I'm told, well what if that doesn't happen? he will end up in hell. well okay that might be good years from now but i am still damaged. How many other girls did he do this to? Are there others that lost the fight? He's playing a general in a war that he cannot win, and although i try my hardest to keep just myself afloat and safe. Still i look for him around every corner, what will i do when he has the right to do and go where ever he pleases? he knows my house and my school. Out of 2 years he hasn't bothered me at all, well not much. Even when he did have a restraining order nothing happened to him when he violated it. So what's the difference of having protection and not? Well now he would be able to come up to my house or call me. I would die if that happened. Imagine yourself being held down, wiggling and kicking to get free, while a blue demon shoved it's way through your ogans. He was in wrestling for years. he knew how to hurt without any big bruises. through every little thrust he made into me i tried to scoot close to the wall so my knee would hit it. Maybe a family member would come in and say knock it off. But no. Can you bring in a corroborating witness in court for this? Could he pay someone off To help tell his lies? that's what i am so scared of.. being proven wrong. Having someone tell me thzt i am a lie, and that a little defenseless girl willingly had sex with an adult. I know his room like i had lived in it. The house and the smell is burned in my head like a scar. The details i have about him, about that night are terrifying. It would be a judge's worst decision ever to let him go. How could you look at me and not know that i am damaged? That when i need the court's to keep me safe, the law won't even enforce it's own fucking laws. Hi we are the land of the free.. to rape and kill girls. what the hell kind of message is that sending to others like me? I am stuck with this guiilt of being called a liar. There's no way he could get away with this right? no way, and he probably will. All i wanted was a job, to get my mind off of life. But no i am stuck sittign here watching my baby boy while his mom works and my mom ignores. My mother will not even begin to understand how i feel, or the fact that i don't want to talk about anything. She can't even get through her mind that my dad is an idiot, and that he should be held responsible for his actions, not blame it on his mental issue. And yet im here, along. Just sick of it all and scared for my life.

My week

So right now i am so freaking pissed off.. Let's get started off with my sister. She is, well being a pain. For one thing she doesn't take proper care of aiden. "who are you to tell me how to raise my child?" she says. Well excuse me when i am providing more of his care than you, i think it's time to shut up. She has worked Monday, wanted to go out Tuesday (will explain in a minute) but didn't, worked Wednesday, went out Thursday, then again works Friday Saturday and Sunday. When she went out she had aiden from 4 p.m. until about 11 p.m. And let me tell you, he was holy terror. He jumped on my mom's back and head while she was on the computer. He took out all of his toys which of coarse tabby was not going to pick up because it wasn't her livingroom. He took about 20 stuffed animals back and forth from his room to my moms room. to do that he passed all through the kitchen, livingroom, hallway, and of coarse her room. i have been sick with the stomach flu which is why my mom would not- could not- watch aiden on Tuesday. So you know that my sister's next thing was going to complain about dinner. Last night my mom made something in the crock pot, and my sister said she would eat that tonight because she went out last night. Guess what my sister didn't want for dinner tonight. I somehow won that fight. My mom had told me for two days that we were having breakfast for dinner tonight. And Of coarse tabby hates that. So mom was going to go buy hamburger meat to mac something else. i was like.. nuh huh! anyway after dinner we are trying to get cleaned up and she is getting ready for work. So once again we will have aiden. It's crazy how much i love him. If you don't know, he is 4 and autistic. Autism does not define him though. He is smart and cute and funny. Watching him grow showed me that words cannot define humor, or intelligence, or love. When he was two and not talking we started getting concerned. He was put in special in home care where ladies came to help him once a week to get his speech started. Everyone kept saying 'oh he will wake up one day and it'll just click'. Well the month before he turned three, we had to start making appointments with specialists because the in home care stops at age three. I guess they figure that if they aren't talking or up to par by then, then they have more serious problems. Everyone up to that point said he wasn't autistic. They all said they didn't want to label him that because it will be stuck on him for life. The day they took aiden to the doctor in champaign our lives changed. They said he is low spectrum autistic. He put all the puzzle pieces together. Aiden lining up all his toys by only a pattern he knows, but it wasn't at random because he could repeat it. It was the reason he didn't fully interact with us. Anyway now he goes to school everyday of the week at noon until 3. He likes it. And he goes to speech therapy at the hospital. He likes that too. But he hasn't been eating alot at all. He only says words he likes; like no and SHHHHHHHHHHH. He can say other things he just doesn't. He can say i love you, and i want this, and his favorite character names. He can and will repeat anything. He just doesn't want too. Let me tell you, he can piss you off like no other. I have come home to all my books off of the shelves, marker everywhere (staining my clothes and bedding), and my make-up crumbled all over him. He tells me what to do and how to do it- yet only by the pitch of his screams. And then he can crawl into bed with you and fold his hands to pray. He will fall asleep wrapped in your arms and snore like a man. But he makes me happy. Without him, i would have no best friend, no one to talk to when shit hits the fan, and definitely  i would have no one to play with like a little kid. I have raised him, changed him, and fed him for years. I can not live with out because he is special. And not because he is autistic. I don't like that word. When they first called him that it's like he was a different kid i didn't know. For two weeks it felt like he wasn't mine. Like i was meeting him for the first time ever. Thank god when that stopped. He's my little baby and he gets me through everyday. He is the reason i don't yell at tabby much. I just give up because i do not want him to be taken from me like other things.

Today

So i shouldn't have started this off by days, because we all know life is hectic. Like today for example, my parents divorce is being finalized. Is it just court? NO! I was up at four trying to bargain with my mom to get off the phone with my dumb dad. Which was weird because i had just woken up from a dream where my dad had literally 'dropped dead' in our kitchen. I felt so bad having to tell my mom how useless he is, and how he is just not necessary to talk to, especially today. When she had told me she had been on the phone for two hours, it blew m mind. I mean can you imagine being a mom to your mother? standing in front of her, tears rolling down her face, telling her that her lover is an asshole. The man i just had a nightmare about. In this dream it's like my life was in turmoil because my daddy had died. Nobody knew what to do. In my dream i was just so upset. Then i woke up and was going to text my dad and tell him how much i loved him. But i had to go deal with the pounding. MY mom beating the walls and floor. Finally after i got her calmed down, i went to lay back down, and all i did was pray. I prayed for girls at me school, for my family, for my friends, for my life. I woke up. Realizing that i had actually fallen asleep. It was 7:30. My head was pounding. No way in hell i was going to be able to go through a day of school, let alone drag my ass outta bed and get ready for school in 10 minutes. So i got up took meds, and i laid down for an hour. I got up and went in town with my mom. She had court, and well... frankly my sister tens to be mean in the morning. Court went fine, and my mother did great. On the way home in the snow i started getting car sick. Because of the snow we were going 30 in a 55. FANTASTIC. After getting home all i did was lay down and watch little flurries fall from the sky. I love snow. I always have. It mesmorizes me. Oh, but the wind. It shakes my house. Makes me feel like sleeping all day. And with a headache, i am fine with that. But you see, i have this party this weekend. It would look bad to have a party but not go to school friday. It's a headache, it goes away. I could go and leave early. Or i could wake up and feel like.. amazing. I guess i will wake up and see how i feel. But for now? i will sit my butt on my bed and just stare out of my little portal in my wall.

Artsy

Look at you. You’re young. And you’re scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want. Say what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud as fuck and dance to it. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget you have school the next day. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours. When are you going to realize that you can do whatever you want?


We all go through life like bulls in a China shop. A chip here, a crack there. Doing damage to ourselves, to other people. The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we’ve done, or that’s been done to us. Sometimes, the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes, we think we can fix the damage. And sometimes, the damage is something we can’t even see.

I feel like people get lost when they think of happiness as a destination. We’re always thinking that someday we’ll be happy. You know, we’ll get that car or that job or that person in our lives that fixes everything. But happiness is a mood and a condition, it’s not a destination. It’s like being tired or hungry; it’s not permanent, it comes and goes, and that’s okay. And I feel like if people thought of it that way, they’d find happiness a lot more often.

I feel like I have lost all of my strength to say no and have therefore ended up rejected. I’ve become the girl that looks for love in all the wrong places, but never finds it.
I know I’m a smart person yet nothing I do reflects that. I make stupid and impulsive decisions over and over again and never seem to learn from them.

Look at you. You’re young. And you’re scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want. Say what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud as fuck and dance to it. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget you have school the next day. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours. When are you going to realize that you can do whatever you want?


A couple poems.

You eat, you’re fat. You don’t eat, you’re a freak. You drink, you’re an alcoholic. You don’t drink, you’re a pussy. You read, you’re a nerd. you don’t read, you’re stupid. You tell a secret, you’re an attention seeker. You don’t tell a secret, you’re still attention seeking. You let someone in, you’re easy. You don’t let someone in, you’re too uptight. You smoke, you think you’re cool. you don’t smoke, you’re a loser. You’ve had sex, you’re a slut. You haven’t had sex, you’re a frigid little bitch. You wear make up, you’re superficial. You don’t wear make up, you’re ugly. You can’t please anyone. Ever.

Day 1

This is me. My life. My feelings. My actions. I have thought about where I should start, and figure there is no where better to start than the present. So here we go. Today is a new year, January 3, 2012. I have a headache And my toenails need to be painted. People around me are making resolutions, trying to change their lives for the better. Everday I wake up and try to make my life better. And every night I go to bed and pray of how ashamed I am that I feel like I haven't done good enough or I haven't tried hard enough. I have guilt you wouldn't believe. And over what you might ask? Over life, and over my decisions. You see I have gone through a lot inu past and present, and probably future. It's like I try to be a good person but I just don't try hard enough and I never succeed. I can go put with some friends and have no intentions of being a bad person. Yet by the end of the night I can have smoked two blunts and still not feel guilty until I lay on bed at night. Now I can understand where you might say "oh she only feels guilty on front of god". Well, not really. It's not that I feel bad because someone is looking at my life and seeing all that I do wrong, but te fact that I am very guilty within myself. Maybe I'm writing to tell my story. Maybe I'm writing to get rid of guit. Maybe even to find all of my guilt, or maybe I just need somewhere to be me. Somewhere I can go and say what I think, without judgement, so here I am. Hello and welcome to my life. And just to be clear, of it doesn't make sense because of spelling, blame the iPod.