Just sick.

I went in today for a job interview. I have a cold so I'm already feeling like shit. I spent 45 minutes putting on make-up and clothes trying to look like i am really okay. A 45 minute drive later, and getting cut off six times, i made it there. I went in and waited. A guy came up, middle aged and looking laid back. He walked up to me, along with the guy i saw and talked to yesterday. I asked for an application dealing with what i had talked to someone yesterday about. He said sucks because we aren't hiring. In front of customer's, and employees. I was excited because finally i had one thing going good, and i walked out of there without any respect. A human being should not be able to be so damn cold to a young girl. To all the older men in there, to just watch me get made fun of and be told i wasn't qualified anyways. WHAT THE..?! Stupid jerk off. I drove home and called my mom crying my eyes out, there's no way i could just stopped crying. I now had no job. I have no vehicle. I have court soon. And i am so scared. I have to know that in about two weeks i get to walk into a room with him and face him with my dignity and respect. In two weeks where am i supposed to find dignity in just two weeks? It makes me re-think my whole lifestyle- every picture i have sent, every ounce I've ever smoked, and every person i have talked to since it has happened. I go to bed every night so scared about what he might bring up or what he might say. He lies to everyone about everything. If i were to take a drug test right now, would i pass? no. by Feb. 8th? maybe. What if i do not win in court? What if they believe his lies and not my tragedy? What if... he gets freedom to talk to me and stalk me? we can't afford to move. I can't afford to pay rent somewhere, i don't want to. I want to live in my house, where i have lived my whole life, they can't make him move. Hell they might not even be able to make him stay walking distance away from me. No one understands what it's like to be scared to just be you. Scared to have your own name because it's tagged with dirt. It's got snitch and bitch written all over it. One person hears your name and instantly they think they know you. But they have absolutely no freaking clue who you are or why you have been through. I know i have my set of disappointments in life, to my friends and family; but i am trying. I am trying so damn hard to be someone that i want to be, but am not? i don't know. This person is me, but it's not a long term me. I always seem to fall off the wagon 3 months or 2 weeks, doesn't matter it's going to happen. I get pulled back into everything. Why? It's not the fact i like the people or the recreations, i just.. get hooked i guess. On what? nothing. I guess i just get bored with this life. Ya know how ashamed i feel to say that? That i don't like what god has provided me with. I love him with my whole heart and existence. But why do i still feel the need to totally rip on everything that's going on. Anyway back to the whole.... 'him' thing. It's so scary to go to bed at night. Because of all the things that will dance in front of my eyes as soon as they shut. Every night when i pray to god i ask why i couldn't scream or hit back. Or why the hell he is walking free. God works in mysterious ways- and yet here we are. He may not get what he deserves now but he will.. that's what I'm told, well what if that doesn't happen? he will end up in hell. well okay that might be good years from now but i am still damaged. How many other girls did he do this to? Are there others that lost the fight? He's playing a general in a war that he cannot win, and although i try my hardest to keep just myself afloat and safe. Still i look for him around every corner, what will i do when he has the right to do and go where ever he pleases? he knows my house and my school. Out of 2 years he hasn't bothered me at all, well not much. Even when he did have a restraining order nothing happened to him when he violated it. So what's the difference of having protection and not? Well now he would be able to come up to my house or call me. I would die if that happened. Imagine yourself being held down, wiggling and kicking to get free, while a blue demon shoved it's way through your ogans. He was in wrestling for years. he knew how to hurt without any big bruises. through every little thrust he made into me i tried to scoot close to the wall so my knee would hit it. Maybe a family member would come in and say knock it off. But no. Can you bring in a corroborating witness in court for this? Could he pay someone off To help tell his lies? that's what i am so scared of.. being proven wrong. Having someone tell me thzt i am a lie, and that a little defenseless girl willingly had sex with an adult. I know his room like i had lived in it. The house and the smell is burned in my head like a scar. The details i have about him, about that night are terrifying. It would be a judge's worst decision ever to let him go. How could you look at me and not know that i am damaged? That when i need the court's to keep me safe, the law won't even enforce it's own fucking laws. Hi we are the land of the free.. to rape and kill girls. what the hell kind of message is that sending to others like me? I am stuck with this guiilt of being called a liar. There's no way he could get away with this right? no way, and he probably will. All i wanted was a job, to get my mind off of life. But no i am stuck sittign here watching my baby boy while his mom works and my mom ignores. My mother will not even begin to understand how i feel, or the fact that i don't want to talk about anything. She can't even get through her mind that my dad is an idiot, and that he should be held responsible for his actions, not blame it on his mental issue. And yet im here, along. Just sick of it all and scared for my life.